I think it is safe to assume that if it weren’t for ego, there would be no sports. Cave paintings depict crowds circling around wrestling matches. I picture a lot of chest beating, grunting and testosterone flailing.
Through the ages, as sports have developed and gained world-wide recognition, the ever emotional ego-spillage onto spectators and fans has been just as well documented. Perhaps not in so many words.
You know what I’m talking about though. Stadium battles, street rioting, bar fights, beer throwing … all because we have made them ours. That “MY TEAM”-effect [hence the ego] can be cray y’all.
For this reason, I’ve developed a Touchdown’s Worth of Tips on How to Remain Mindful during the Superbowl.
Numero Uno: Avoid the pre-game shit talking. Which somehow also coincides with the crushing of beer cans on your head and arm wrestling. Sometimes even an embarrassing push-up challenge.
You can have your opinion, sure. But so can they. Why don’t we just let the game do the talking?
If you find yourself being sucked in, head for the snacks and take a few breaths over the chip bowl. It’s not that serious, people.
2: No yelling at refs! The truth is, even if they suck, you could not do a better job. You’d pee yourself out there with all those giant dudes running in your direction, so give ’em a break, will ‘ya?
What to do when an emotional outburst slips out, you ask? Public apology. With no “but’s.” End of story.
3. No name calling! “Thug, Honkie, Asshole, Idiot, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Sonofabitch … you name it. NONE.
Again, you could not do their job better.
And, yes, they are entitled to make mistakes. Just wondering, when you screw something up at work does someone run over to berate you? “Jesus Christ! Seriously you asshole. Is that the best you got?” Not so fun is it? Do unto others … even through the TV screen.
4. Do not throw shit. Bang shit. Or break shit. Let’s be real … it’s all fun and games till shit gets broken. And that’s just it … it’s a game. It’s like the same concept as Tee-ball with older people and more money at stake. Just imagine them all wearing over-sized pee-wee uniforms with bobble-head helmets where we route for both teams and everyone gets a trophy.
There … see … isn’t that more fun?
OK-OK… perhaps that’s a bit too mindful, but–seriously–just don’t break shit.
5. Do not sing, chant or “Ooo-ooo have you seen this one? I love this one!” over commercials. Be mindful that there are those of us who are hoping that the commercials will offer some sense of entertainment because we could really care less about the game.
They also don’t require a ton of immediate commentary, because you complaining about the last product/message/punchline is at least a 10-15 second penalty into my next commercial. Flag. On. The. Play.
Note: This also applies to half-time show.
6. Tips 1-3 and a variation of 5 shall also be applied to all outlets of social media. This means no tweeting pre-game shit talk. No posting mid-game bad calls and player suckage reports. No negative commercial commentary. No virtual name-calling. No hash-tag tirades.
How bout just some, “Go team! You got this! I’m behind you all the way!” Which is so much more becoming on you, btw.
Extra point: Do not. I repeat do not follow the lead of the majority. It is the social equivalent to playing down to the lesser team. Everybody loses. It’s where living room tackles get their thunder, it’s where bar pickups lose their mojo, it’s where Sunday night karaoke sounds like a damn good idea.
Stand your ground, man. Stand your ever-loving ground. Retreat to the restroom and give yourself a pep-talk. Slap yourself in the mirror a couple times if you have to. This is serious shit. Our actions are no longer safe. People might tag you. For real. What will your yoga class think then?
And there you have it, a touchdown AND an extra point’s worth of tips on how to remain mindful during the Superbowl.
I leave you with this: Remember, mindfulness is a practice that loses motivation in direct correlation to the amount of alcohol being consumed. Drink responsibly.
#Onward to body-crashing!
Wait … who’s playing again?